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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Calculating Confederate-Americans Conduct Courageous Coup to Capture Capital

I couldn't provide you with any details about my trip last week because I was a secret mission, a secret mission from God. Yesterday, the work I did on that mission resulted in a great victory for Confederate-Americans.

The Red Guard of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution (GC3R) has experienced a tremendous drop in morale since the election of the Unheartlandishly-Hued Usurper four years ago. Due to heritage, history, and regional marrying practices, that morale crash is most acute in the our dear Confederacy, and particularly dire in its capital, Richmond, VA, on Stonewall Jackson's birthday which is overshadowed by the concurrent communistofascist Martin Luther King holiday.

As commander of the GC3R's Red Guard, I traveled to Richmond last week with with Corporal Cletis and Sheila, our militia morale sheep, and a truckload of Moonpies and pork rinds to see what I could do to lift their spirits.

It wasn't easy, nothing seemed to work. We tried dressing them up in sheets and hoods, confederate uniforms, and even gladiator outfits, but nothing broke their melancholia--not even hiring people to wear black-face and act servile.

Then Cletis (who's a god damned liar and shouldn't be believed--and dammit, I was drunk) came up with a great idea. He noted that the Virginia Senate was evenly divided between the glorious sons of the Confederacy and godless Demoncrats, and that one of those Demoncrats, civil rights veteran Sen. Henry Marsh, would be in DC on Monday to participate in Martin Luther King Day festivities. "With him gone," Cletis explained, "the Confederates will have the votes to control the Senate; they can pass a Confederate-oriented gerrymandering plan, and a resolution to honor the great Stonewall Jackson on his birthday.

And the proud Confederate-Americans of the Virginia Senate Republican Caucus did just that.

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