Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft

An extraordinary event will occur tomorrow night. A show on the Nat Geo Channel, Chasing UFOs, will attempt to contact aliens by beaming your tweets into outer space.

Lord knows how the aliens will react. Are they Bieber Believers? Will the sheer power of Ashton Kutcher's wisdom, persuade them to share their oil exploration secrets with us? Will they use the #tcot hashtag or will their green skin prevent them from being accepted by the Top Conservatives On Twitter? We won't know until the tweets or intertubed into the heavens.

It's a risky gambit. One insensitive tweet could prompt the aliens to eat us, or even worse, force us to live in some kind of socialist utopia, where all our needs are met communally, and money is worthless.

We must be careful what we tweet. That's why I've written a number of sample tweets for you to take a look at. I think they're the kind of thing that might appeal to our future reptillian masters, or at least help get me in their good graces, so I can become a waiter rather than a dish.

Here's what I came up with. Please add your own in the comments.
  • Nearly half of all American voters will enslave themselves to you if you bring us the gift of incandescent lightbulbs #ChasingUFOs
  • Vogons, have you heard Mitt Romney speak? It's poetry. #ChasingUFOs
  • Aliens, stay away. Rush Limbaugh has vowed to personally eat all of your hatchlings. #ChasingUFOs
  • We're onto Hilary Clinton's Vogonzuelan subterfuge. Stop it.#ChasingUFOs
  • I hate to rat out a patriot, but Gov. Scott Walker is telling everyone that Emperor Xolnak's mother is a filthy zunzflanger. #ChasingUFOs
  • Glenn Beck is Earth's greatest hero. It'd take years of non-stop probing for you to break him. #ChasingUFOs
  • We don't need your kind comin' 'round here with your fancy ideas about crop circle communication. #ChasingUFOs
  • Donald Trump's "hair" ain't foolin' anyone. That's the trouble with tribbles. #ChasingUFOs
  • It's 43, god dammit. #ChasingUFOs
  • Just how gray are you? Should we get pissed off if you take our white women? #ChasingUFOs
  • Could you send someone to translate whatever the hell Justice Scalia is saying?#ChasingUFOs
  • I, for one, welcome you and your clean-coal powered space warping technology. #ChasingUFOs
  • Whatever you do, don't wear a hoody. #ChasingUFOs

No comments:

Post a Comment

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.