We know that God sends hurricanes, terrorist bombs, earthquakes, and meteors to punish the coasts for their godless tolerance, but why does He smite the Bible Belt with tornadoes? Lord knows there are few places that so viciously enforce biblical law with as much righteous fury as Texas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. The good Heartlanders of these states hate science, homosexualism, and free-range uteri with a passion that rivals only that with which they hate the unacceptably hued.
Obviously, there is a sinner hidden among them--a sinner so vile, he or not-he brings down God's tornadic wrath on the godly people of the Bible Belt. I believe I have discovered his identity.
His name is Jimmy Ray Bodine. He lives in Marfa, Texas. To his fellow Marfanians, he seems like your average godfearing centenarian. He's a deacon at the Church of Christ on Austin Street, a precinct vice chair for the Presidio County GOP, a lifetime member of the NRA, and a committed writer of letters to the editor denouncing Mexicans, homosexualists, atheists, and OB/GYNs.
But at night, in the privacy of his home, he engages in acts so depraved, God has no choice but to curse the Heartland with his tornado fury. Mr. Bodine begins by adorning himself with lipstick and rouge and donning the dresses of not-men. He then arranges a pair of oranges and a zucchini to look like a man's secret parts which he tickles with a rooster hackle while taunting it by calling it "Trudy."
God will not allow the Bible Belt to know peace until Jimmy Ray Bodine is gone. He must be expelled from Marfa and moved to a place where such godlessness is more widespread--perhaps Utah or New Mexico. Let them suffer God's wrath for Mr. Bodine's wickedness.
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