Sarah Palin Clarifies Reasons for Resignation

Please join me in welcoming Gov. Sarah Palin as she guests posts at Jesus General once again -- JC

Ok, there's been a lot of speculation in the liberal, secular press about why I decided to set the State of Alaska free. Some are saying it's because I'm under investigation for getting my house built for next to nothing in return for granting construction contracts. Those people are wrong, and I'm going to sue anyone who repeats it.

I'm also going to sue anyone who brings up the possibility that both Bristol and Levi were conceived during drunken, cocaine-fueled orgies Todd and I may have had with the Johnstons. Sure, no one has made that claim yet, but darn it, they might. And if they do, you betcha we'll sue the pants off of the Washington Post, Perez Hilton, and National Geographic. And darn it, the chances that Bristol and Levi are siblings or that Todd is both of little Acid Trip's grandfathers are probably pretty darned small. So don't even go there. Or we'll sue you.

Alaska and I are parting ways for one reason and one reason only: if you love something wild, you must set it free. And then you shoot it and mount it on your wall. And yes, look at what I've done to Alaska. I shot it and I'm now going to mount it on my wall of the accomplishments that prove I'm ready for the presidency.

Hold on. This is the part where I hold little Trig out as bait so I can garner a little sympathy when some Howard Stern asshat wannabe takes a cheap, unconscionable potshot at him. So let me just say, again, that I wish we were all like Trig. Did you hear that Mr Obscure Blog Commenter who will soon come to represent all that is wrong with anyone to the left of Bill Kristol? I said, "I wish we were all like little Trig!" Run with it!

OK, back to Alaska. It served its purpose, just like Wally Hickle, John Stein, and all the others served their purposes. I now have 2.5 years of the gubernatorial experience I needed for my presidential run. Thank you, Alaska, but you can't help me anymore. Now get the heck out of my life.

Sarah Supports Partial-Term Abortion

Mugs, tees, stickers, etc at The General's Stores

Sarah for President in 2013 1/2

Because she can only handle a partial term.



Mugs, tees, stickers, etc at The General's Stores

A little Sunday Jazz

Hunger as a Motivator; Exploitation as a Motive

_{Image © Austin Cline
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Outrage and condemnation followed the news of Missouri State Rep. Cynthia Davis (R) denouncing a summer food program for low-income children who rely on free or cheap meals from schools during the school year. It wasn't merely that she opposed providing food for kids who would go hungry, but she did so by saying that "Hunger can be a positive motivator." The echo of "let them eat cake" was thundering, and one would be forgiven for wondering at first if it was a parody from The Onion.

As reprehensible as her position is, though, we must keep in mind she was merely expressing directly and honestly the underlying agenda of political conservatives for generations — religious conservatives included. Cynthia Davis is herself a good example of this because she is the owner of the "Back to Basics Christian Book Store," so she's not just speaking as a professional conservative politician, but also as a professional conservative Christian. Her arguments in defense of her words weren't political and economic, but rather religious and heavily laden with the "family values" rhetoric so beloved by the Christian Right.

I say that it's an agenda and not merely an attitude because Cynthia Davis was describing a situation that is imposed or at least exacerbated through deliberate action and for the benefit of others rather than a situation that is merely tolerated without regard for the consequences. An important thread running through many Republican policies leads back to one fundamental principle: deny people as much as possible of whatever they need to build a stable, predictable life and thereby make them more dependent on what little they have.

This makes it easier for people to be exploited by those in power because the people are too afraid to lose what little they have and will tolerate far more abuse, discrimination, mistreatment, and exploitation in order to hold on to the crumbs. The attitude of so many conservatives towards those being exploited is at best just contempt because they are little more than a means towards the end of self-enrichment. Liberals and Democrats often aren't much better, playing the political good cop to the conservatives bad cop — and in good cop vs. bad cop, you have to remember that both are cops who are seeking the exact same end. Neither is on your side and neither is your friend, but one pretends to be in order to make it easier for you to willingly assist in your own destruction.



Motivating the Masses

Cynthia Davis' statement is just a blunt way of stating the principle that government needs to inculcate enough fear, pain, and neediness to keep people focused on meeting their immediate needs and divert their attention away from larger political goals such as freeing themselves from exploitation. Hunger is a motivator because when you're hungry, you're most concerned with just getting enough to eat. You don't have the energy, drive, or time to organize politically to fight to end the policies which keep you and others hungry.

If people were freed from food insecurity, they might start to look around and wonder why social, political, and economic systems can't be reworked to provide for other basic needs as well. Of course, denying people enough food to eat is just the most extreme form of denial which is used to keep people afraid and needy. There are many other social policies which have similar effects individually, and a massive social impact all together.

Opposition to universal health care ensures that people can't change jobs without worrying about the ability to transfer health benefits. Right now, businesses can hold people to poor-paying jobs by providing them with mediocre health benefits which they are afraid to lose. Even though many businesses are straining under health care costs, not all are willing to lose this leverage over workers.

Naturally, unionization must be inhibited and undermined at every possible turn. Unions might encourage workers to compare notes, learn how much they have in common, and use their collective power to achieve their goals together. Without unions, it's easier to keep workers weak and in fear because they are only able to act as isolated individuals against massive corporations.

Government regulation has to be fought because it can do such a good job at creating safer environments for people — not just the working environment, but the overall natural environment as well. When people don't have to worry about their food, air, and water, they live with less fear in general and this frees up time for other things like political activism. Limiting regulations and failing to enforce those which do exist ensure that there is always a certain minimum level of fear in the background, distracting people from more political matters.

Immigration is a great way to make people afraid because latent racism and xenophobia can be marshaled to make people fear losing their jobs and social status to dark-skinned foreigners. Workers are more likely to submit to corporate demands if they are afraid that an immigrant might come along and take their job for less pay — or that their job can be sent abroad for even less pay. Closely associated with this is the fear of terrorism which can be used to get people to submit to ever stricter police controls over legal behavior. Both business and government are monitoring us in more places and times than ever before, and the people meekly submit to this because they fear what their watchers tell them might happen otherwise.



Preserving the Power to Exploit

When people are hungry and afraid, fewer will take a chance on demanding more than what little they have been given — certainly too few to organize into a movement that can create new, better conditions in which fear and hunger can be reduced. Unfortunately, just such a movement is needed for changes to occur because those with power — the good cops and the bad cops — won't hand over any more to the masses than is necessary to keep them quiet. Then they'll tell you that it's in your best interest to support their power and submit to their decisions while keeping you too afraid, too busy, and too hungry to easily organize and fight for something better.

New Propaganda Poster Site: I just wanted to post another reminder about site I created to provide ready access to all the posters and sermons I've created for the General over the past years. I've actually updated the look of the site and I think it's better now — cleaner and easier to use.

Department of Book Reports: Julian

In the Spring of AD 380, letters are exchanged between two old men, philosophers, one in Athens and the other in Antioch. They squabble over the price of copying and their respective ages. One complains about the aging process while the other brags about his on-going virility. Most importantly, they discuss the existence of a hidden memoir written by the Emperor Julian, their friend, who was killed in 363 while conducting a military campaign in Parthia, modern day Iran.

Gore Vidal's Julian (Vintage $16.00) was first published in 1964, and remains one of the great historical novels. For me, it bears a rereading often as new ideas and details emerge on each reading. The prose is luminous, and the voices of the three narrators, the philosophers Libanius and Priscus, as well as the Emperor Julian, are lively and engaging.

Julian reigned only two years, but the memory of his time remains. He was the nephew of the Emperor Constantine, who built the new Roman capital of Constantinople, as well as adopting Christianity as the preferred state religion. Following the death of Constantine, Julian, reared as Christian, managed to avoid the family fighting among his cousins for the Imperial throne. He fell in love with philosophy, studied in Athens, which he loved, and secretly renounced his Christianity. Ultimately impressed into Imperial duties, first as Caesar in Gaul, where he warred successfully against the threat of the German tribes on the frontier; and then as acclaimed Emperor. As Emperor, he tried much less successfully to reintroduce Paganism to the Empire, resisted at all times by the various Bishops of the Church. Perhaps thinking himself a new Alexander, Julian went on to march against Rome's great Eastern nemesis, Parthia, where he was killed in a skirmish, maybe by a Roman lance.

Gore Vidal is our best historical novelist. Anyone who read his series on American history know how compelling a storyteller he can be. From Burr, to Lincoln, 1876, Empire and Hollywood, he knows (and is related to many) the major actors of the American past. He is one of the last of those great public intellectuals born in the 1920's that included Norman Mailer and is as well-known for his essays on contemporary affairs as well as his novels. He has also written plays like Visit to a Small Planet, as well as mysteries under the name of Edgar Box. In any event, if you enjoy history and historical novels, do yourself a favor and read Julian. Or re-read it.

Julian, and other novels by Gore Vidal, is available at Jackson Street Books and other fine independent bookstores.

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion Global Warming is a sham, a vast conspiracy promulgated by scientists who want to jerk with just about everybody who is trying to make a buck, but Abrahaminic religions are sacrosanct and worthy of the unyielding devotion of billions of humanoids has died a profoundly messy, feverish and tidal-surging death of epic proportions. It is commonly known that the Bronze Age metaphysical assertions that God = the ineffable source, Man ≠ God, and that God is separate from Nature makes most of the family bored out of their fucking skulls by the time their third can of PBR cascades down to the bottom of their throat-canal. This tiresome subject is the dud in the 4th of July Family Pack, and should be disposed of by a FOX News intern.

Family of the Opinion believe that talking about religion is taboo not merely because feelings will be hurt but because the nature of such discussions usually deposit one into a vague and gauzy land of indistinct and non-quantifiable assertions, and unless you yell something threatening like "Jesus will cut your dick off" to the commie queer across the street it really is a rather tired and perfunctory exercise--though yelling at strangers will at least increase your heart rate. One's core belief in a bellicose Jewish deity who mates with a teenager to create a savior who will stave off his father's desire to burn your ass for eternity for the crime of having been created is dubious only to those who have not ceased to incorporate oxygen into their lungs, where said oxygen can then be distributed throughout the body via the vascular system and ultimately keep the brain from turning into a gravied plate of Zombie Loaf.

The Opinion's strength was also its weakness, as it consisted of making material assertions about a supernatural deity while ignoring measurable, peer-reviewed data about climate change, a great one-two punch of daffy cognitive dissonance at its most punchable. Were this an honest nation the Dropping Jaw Catcher 6000 would be the best selling facial recovery sling on the market, and by golly, everybody with a prehensile thumb that is not on prostate patrol knows it.

The Opinion, which has combined conspiratorial fear with infantile gullibility for nigh on three decades, will be cremated in the Fires of Satan Brothers Crematory (Bring the Kids!), after which its ashes are to be scattered over Christian Polar Bears as they drown in the waters of The Great White North. The Family of the Opinion has no idea this column even exists, so you probably don't even have to buy flowers. If you feel guilty send me a check and I will pretend to pray for you.

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The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

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A Better Anthem

Does Minuteman Senate Candidate Have Eye on Presidency

Chris Simcox
Candidate for US Senate

Dear Mr. Simcox,

At first, I couldn't understand why a Republican candidate for the US Senate would beg for twitter followers by signing up for a number of "Get Followers Fast" groups (see here, here, here, and here). I mean, hey, it doesn't say much about your ability to rally supporters with your message. If anything, it opens you up for endless mockery from those who oppose your candidacy.

But after looking at the people you follow on twitter, I've come to the conclusion that it's all part of a strategy to get your name mentioned as a presidential candidate along with Mark Sanford and John Ensign.

I mean look at the people you are following and read their tweets. I'm right, aren't I.

1. Holly_n_Howard - We really don't know what she thinks, because she's never posted a tweet. She just put up her picture..
2. EveEspitia - Eva is a little more communicative. She has 1 update: "sat at my computer typing in the What are you doing box."
3. sbutler010 has this to say: "No Message exist in your message list."
4. Mica_ excites us with : "Running errands meet thunderstorm. I'm soaked..! :o"
5. msashtontaylor offers up her policy experience, "I am the "Hot Chick" of the day on Minnesota's 93xRocks! :-)"
6. cupycake03 makes a fundraising event suggestion, "cant wait for your hanna montana the moviie to be shown here :)"

More heterosexually yours than ever,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The eleventh is for the Hebrew, the twelfth is for Jesus

Dr Laura explains the meaning of Independence Day by looking at how the flag is folded:

The first fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

The fourth fold represents our weaker nature; for as American citizens trusting, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, ‘Our Country, in dealing with other countries may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong.’

The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother’s Day.

The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

The tenth fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.

The eleventh fold, in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

The twelfth fold, the in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

The thirteenth fold: when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation’s motto: ‘In God We Trust.’ After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges and freedoms we enjoy today.

The next time you see a flag ceremony honoring someone that has served our country, either in the Armed Forces or in our civilian services such as the police force or Fire Department, keep in mind all the important reasons behind each and every movement. They have paid the ultimate sacrifice for all of us by honoring our flag and our country.

Maybe a group of patriotic Teabagger-Americans could do it themselves

Glen Beck and Michael Scheuer know that sometimes you have to nuke your nation to save it:

The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States.

Sally Kern to ask Sarah Palin to spare nation using God's power of attorney

Rep. Sally Kern
Oklahoma House of Representatives

Dear Rep Kern,

Your Proclamation of Morality is absolutely the best work you've done since winning the fight to keep amphibiosexual relationship books on Oklahoma's library shelves. It's a masterpiece, really. You identify the point source for every problem our nation faces in just seventeen preamble clauses. And I do mean every point source; the whole ball of vasoline from divorce and homosexuality to the secretly Amish Obama's refusal to participate in the National Prayer Breakfast.

But it's in the last of three resolution clauses where you really shine:

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin.

Praise Jesus, that is beautiful. I teared up from simply reading it. No doubt it will touch Our Lord and Savior's immaculate heart as well.

That is if He actually reads it.

My guess is that He doesn't really follow the Oklahoma legislature all that closely. I mean, why should He? You do a great job of persecuting the gay, the brown, and the poor all by yourself. He knows you have his back, so He focuses His attention where it's needed--like in Africa; somebody has to smite all those hungry children.

So you might think about taking a more aggressive approach to putting the resolution before Him. I'd suggest you talk to Sarah Palin about it. Apparently, God have her His power of attorney. She's writing his letters for Him:

[Palin] wrote the e-mail not in her own name but in God's, and signed it "Trig's Creator, Your Heavenly Father."

So that should be your plan. Deliver the resolution to Gov. Palin and have her spare the nation using her God-given power of attorney.

Amphibiosexual supportingly yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

10 non-sexual acts for Gov. Sanford's favorite ladies

Gov. Mark Sanford
State of South Carolina

cc: Newt Gingrich, Horndog
Michael Steele, Comedian

Dear Gov. Sanford,

Your latest confession has a lot of people wondering how exactly you had affairs with multiple women without actually having sex with any of them. I'm guessing it's a definitional issue, and that's a shame, because I thought Newt Gingrich cleared that up years ago. Remember that? He clearly stated that putting your little moralist into a lady's mouth isn't a sexual act. But here we seem to be going over all that again.

It's really something we need to clear up once and for all. That's especially true with Newt still in the presidential mix. But it's not just him. You'd be doing all the potential candidates a huge favor if you listed out all the acts you did with those women that weren't sexual. Just imagine if Ensign had known which acts were sexual and which weren't. He's still be in the race.

I'm enclosing a list to help you to help them. Just put a check mark next to all the non-sexual acts you committed with those women.

1. Putting your little governor into a lady's mouth.
2. Licking the little sailor in a boat (Yes, I know the sailor is a mythical creation of femislamunistofascists bent on undermining our wives' satisfaction with us, but that makes it even more nonsexual.)
3. Sending the little guy spelunking into someone's cave of shame.
4. Attempting to make lady-pillow babies.
5. Pleasuring yourself with an O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 while talking to a staffer on the phone.
6. The Grateful Grip of Glory
7. All those foreign, non-missionary positions.
8. Paying someone 40 bucks to trim your manparts with a Flowbee.
9. Asking the mailman to spank your bare butt with Ofjoshua's spatula while you have your way with one of Mr. Garcia's watermelons.
10. Covering yourself with honey, rolling in cornflakes, and then lying on the ground and waiting for the squirrels to go into a feeding frenzy.

Please get back to me quickly. 2012 is coming up. We don't have much time.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

How Saskatchistanis celebrate Canada Day

Simcox's potential Twitter followers replaced by Mexicans

Chris Simcox
Candidate for US Senate

Dear Mr. Simcox,

I've been following your career as a Minuteman leader since the beginning. It's been a glorious career thus far--you'll certainly go down as one of the greatest commanders in the Eternal War to Resubjugate the Brown (Southwest Theater). But with your entry as the teabagger candidate in Arizona's GOP senate primary, I have no doubt your best work is yet to come.

Your campaign has been a joy to watch. Your gutsy, non-traditional campaigning style is something I hope all teabagger-Americans will study and try to emulate. It's a winning strategy for sure.

I'm particularly impressed with your use of social media. Most candidates use Twitter to enlist their supporters to help them grow their base. You've inverted that. Rather than asking your supporters to join twitter to help spread the word, you signed up for a service that promises to get you "tons of followers" who care nothing about your politics, and who are probably not even eligible to vote in Arizona. And by God it worked. You're up to a 244 followers now.

Of course there will be those who are skeptical of such a bold new approach. They'll say it's crazy or call it "batshit insane." They'll argue that "it makes you look desperate and incapable of drawing any support for your candidacy." But what they don't understand is that you have to do it that way. You have no other choice because Mexicans are taking all the follower slots from real, patriotic teabagger-Americans. I think Lou Dobbs has even done a show on it.

I also see you're taking the next step and asking all those new followers to donate to your campaign. That's another gutsy move, but one that is unlikely to yield many contributions. You see, they have no freaking idea who you are. They only followed you because you promised to follow them back. You're not going to see a dime from them.

I have a better fundraising idea. I recently received an email from a Mr. Nicholas Adams who is the son of a cocoa merchant in the Ivory Coast. His father recently died, leaving him $7.5 million, but unfortunately, he's having problems accessing it. He's willing to pay an American partner 15% to help him get it. All he needs is your bank info and a few hundred thousand dollars to facilitate the transfer. I'm thinking you might have that kind of cash on hand from your fence building project. I mean you collected millions to build a border fence and didn't. That money has to be somewhere. It'd just be a temporary loan to Mr. Adams. You'd get the fence money back, plus that extra 15% you could pour into your campaign.

That's a much better idea than relying on your 244 new twitter followers, isn't it.

Well, that's about all the help I can give you today. Good luck.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot