Wednesday, May 14, 2008

You Don't Have to be an Einstein to Know That Einstein Was No Einstein



It seems the suspiciously late Albert Einstein, father of relativity and the "shaggy haircut" apparently wrote a dirty little letter to another dirty stinking thinker wherein he offered, like some gadfly at the Cosmic Country Particle Bar & Grill, that the Jews were not the chosen people and the One True Lord is really just a character in a Dr. Seuss book:

"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish."

What the heck was he drinking? Speaking of drinking, is it true that as you walk away from a bar everything slows down (actually, I've always found that to be the case)? Who does he think he's kidding? It's almost like he thought that believers would fall for anything! "Oooh, look at me, I know more than people who know less than me," he must have wailed like a wormhole wormy-thing in my imagined scenario. Well, let me tell you, Mr. Einstein in 1954, this kind of thinking leads directly to, uh, somewhere else (and when I figure out where that "somewhere" is I'm gonna go back in time and give you a good bitch slap, boy howdy, 21st Century Yahoo! Christian style!).

I mean, c'mon, all of this miracle stuff has already been vetted, the verdict is in and the Bible is 100% true, every last word in it, on down to the naughty bits. I'm sure Mr. E=MC Hammer probably thought that Christianity was a fiction too. To that I say: Prove it, dead guy! What is it with these Jews? First they say there is only One True God and that they are the Chosen People, then they produce some freakified genius who says
"As far as my experience goes, they (read "jews"--ed) are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them."

Sweet Jesus Christ in a yarmulke! Don't tease us anymore, Jews! You had your chance to accept a variation of your religion as the One True Variation and most of you blew it! What, next you're gonna tell me that Joe Lieberman isn't really a Democrat? Who has time for this shit? I will keep on fighting Mr. 1954 Harpo Head until I am declared the winner! Maybe light bends, but I don't! Not much, anyway. Oww! My back!

++++

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

If we hired like we vote...

The comics section speaks.

Rampant Toilet Sex rivals Wizardry as Nation's #1 Threat

Rep. Mark Kirk (R, IL-10)
US House of Representatives

Dear Rep. Kirk,

I imagine that with the strength of the economy, our rising standard of living, the Floridization of our climate, and the success we're experiencing in Iraq and Afghanistan, it must be very tough to be a congressman these days. There just aren't a lot of pressing problems left to address. I mean you can't vote for torture and domestic spying every day.

That's why I'm glad you're putting so much effort into solving the problem of toilet sex in Second Life (SL). I'd like to help you out with that.

I'm rather ashamed to admit that I didn't know it was a problem. As the Chair of the Second Life Republicans, I spend a lot of time on SL, but it never occurred to me that toilet sex even occurred there.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered a monument to toilet sex, the Larry Craig Center, not more than 50 meters from my SL GOP Headquarters. I'm including a picture and map below.

I'm thinking about organizing a rally in Second Life to protest the rampant toilet sex you've found there. You could begin it at SL GOP HQ with a speech about your own experiences investigating it. Then we could march down to the monument to hold a prayer siege.

It'd be great if we could get Vito Fossella, his wife and kids, and his concubine and daughter there as well--you know, make it a family-oriented event. Could you ask him? I'll make sure his lesbian sister doesn't attend. I understand he's shunning her.

Please get back to me on your availability and we'll set something up.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Blue Gal.


Monday, May 12, 2008

"How I Won A Peabody"

Update: I believe Mr. O'Reilly had a few words with YouTube, because the video is gone. Unfortunately, Crooks and Liars still has it.

I'll leave the dead one up as a memorial.

At least it didn't involve wizardry

Ray Ballmann
Pastor, Word of Truth Church
Director, Texas Home School Coalition

Dear Pastor Ballmann,

I salute you for all the fine work you've done to help us to "train up a child in the way he should go." Christian homeschooling has no doubt saved many a young soul from the depravity secular education foists on so many of our children.

Still, there are many who oppose what we do. These detractors consider us to be religious lunatics who short change our children by isolating them from their peers and shielding them from the heresies of science. They are quick to find our shortcomings and exploit them against us, and I fear that is exactly what they are going to do when they hear about the arrest of the Humble Three.

As I'm sure you know, the Humble Three are a trio of good, god-fearing homeschooled Texas teens who, on a lark, entered an old segregation-era black cemetery, dug up the body of an 11 year old child named Willie Simms, severed his head with a shovel, and made a bong out of his skull.

Yes, it was a horrible act. Our bodies are temples the Lord provided for us. It is a sin to defile them with smoke from the demon weed. The boys deserve to be punished for it. But I fear secular education proponents will use the incident to claim that homeschooling is no more effective than secular education when it comes to teaching basic values.

We need to be prepared when they make that claim. Better yet, we need to strike first, explaining how much worse the whole incident could have been had the Humble Three not been home schooled. For instance, they could have used the child's skull to fashion a video game controller, or worse yet, to perform some kind of slight-of-hand wizardry like making a a foam ball disappear from one of their hands and reappear in the skull.

I'd be glad to help out with the press release if needed.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Can't make it To Austin for Netroots Nation?



Last year's Yearly Kos in Second Life was great, even for those of us who don't consider ourselves to be Kossacks. They're doing it again this year as Netroots Nation, and we're holding the first info/planning meeting, in-world, at Wellstone's Donkey, on Tuesday at 7pm Pacific. Please stop by. Where else are you going to see Hendrix serenading a sombrero-wearing Dick! Cheney.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

White America: Whose Votes Does Hillary Clinton Want?


White America: Whose Votes Does Hillary Clinton Want?
Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image


Hillary Clinton's recent racially-charged comments could mean any number of different things, none of them especially good. However, what she intended to say about her own attitudes is perhaps less important than what she ultimately said about the state of racial relations in America: they aren't nearly so good as most white Americans tend to assume. Insofar as the latter gets overshadowed by the former, the discussion about race in America is actually set back.

It's common for whites to insist that America has become "color blind," but the assumption of color blindness is itself a prerogative of racial privilege. Minorities can't afford to ignore race because racial disparities and discrimination infuse so much of what they experience. Whites, on the other hand, can ignore race because so much of American society is set up to benefit themselves and their families.

One of the hallmarks of privilege is that one's own background, assumptions, and ways of doing thing become the "norm" against which everything else is judged. White privilege is thus asserted through the ways in which white interests, white voting patterns, and white political goals dominate public debate. The interests, needs, and experiences of others are either ignored or deemed inferior insofar as they fail to meet white expectations. This privilege is unconscious in that whites typically see these norms as universal rather than being determined in any way by their race.

Many of the unstated assumptions that lie behind white privilege in America can actually be found lurking in Hillary Clinton's statement:


“I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on,” she said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, Clinton cited an Associated Press article “that found how Sen. Obama’s support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me.”

“There’s a pattern emerging here,” she said.


Yes, and that pattern is the way in which everything that's good tends to be associated with whites while everything that's negative is associated with minorities. Here, Clinton associates honesty, having a job, and being hard-working with whiteness, which by implication associates dishonesty, unemployment, and laziness with being non-white. It's not a coincidence that being lazy and/or unemployed are common stereotypes that are attributed to minorities like blacks and Hispanics. Exactly these sorts of code words have been used for decades by racist Republicans who knew better than to express their racism openly or directly.

It's not likely that Hillary Clinton really believes that non-whites are all lazy and unemployed, but it's also not likely that this "poor" wording would have so easily rolled off her lips if it weren't for the influence of negative stereotypes and her own racial privileges. This is thus less about her personally and her own beliefs than it is about the insidious influence of racial privilege in America, even among otherwise very progressive and non-racist whites. No matter how consciously a white person avoids racism, they can't avoid all the ways in which their race privileges them or how that privilege will affect unconscious attitudes towards minorities.

It's also about the existence of a great deal of overt racism and white supremacism in America — not just among far-right Republicans, but among otherwise reliable Democratic voters. Formal surveys and informal discussions consistently reveal that there are many of white Democrats who won't vote for Barack Obama simply because he's black. When Hillary Clinton talks about having the support of white people, she's ultimately — and I hope inadvertently — pointing out that she has the support of white racists and scared white people.

Pundits and journalists have had a lot to say about racial factors in this presidential race, but they've also avoided any genuinely substantive examination of it. Hillary Clinton's comment provides the perfect opportunity to change that because it really takes the lid off a nasty barrel of toxic sludge. It's a chance to look hard at how much conscious, deliberate racism exists even among Democrats, to ask why it still exists, and to talk about what can be done to combat it. I don't expect, though, our "liberal" and "serious" media to directly address the issues she inadvertently raised.

No one is going to talk about why even progressive, liberal Democrats can end up using racist code words. No one is going to talk about how many racists and white supremacists there are in the Democratic party — people who will refuse to put a black man in power. No one is going to talk about how both subtle, unconscious racial privileges and overt racist thinking continue to infect politics, culture, and society on every level. None of this is helpful to those in power who want to keep telling us that we live in a formally "color blind" nation.

Not only would substantive discussion of racial privilege threaten the power of privileged white people, but it would open the door to discussion about other forms of unjust privilege in America: male privilege, heterosexual privilege, religious privilege, Christian privilege, capitalist privilege, etc. Entire systems of power and authority would come into serious question, and those in power — including the "liberal" media — have too much invested in the status quo to allow that to happen.

Ironically, Obama's success thus far helps perpetuate that narrative and perpetuate the assumption that racism is basically dead in America. It's not dead. It's not even in bed with a cold. We've just found ways to turn our heads and avoid looking at it, pretending that the success of a single black man in politics means that all the indignities, tribulations, and problems experienced by racial minorities throughout America don't really exist.

It's true, of course, that Obama's success is a sign of how far we've come, but it's also arguably a sign of how far we have to go. Close your eyes to the color of his skin for a moment and ponder just how far his words and ideas really pose a challenge or threat to white privilege in America. To what extent has he challenged or will he challenge the unconscious assumptions that everything "white" is normal, expected, and good? To what extent will white people congratulate themselves on not being racist simply because they voted for a black man and thus not be forced to look at ways in which their race privileges them in their day-to-day lives? If he's elected, how many white people will say "See? This proves America isn't racist!"

Those are hard questions, and they aren't really meant as an attack on Obama himself. Open, direct, and unambiguous attacks on white privilege would ensure that he would never get elected. Of course, the man with the best chance at being the first black president of the United States has light skin, racially ambiguous features, close-cropped hair, and a very educated voice. He scares a lot of white people simply because he is black, but he's not so black that he scares too many.

He's safe. If you saw him coming the other way on the sidewalk, you might not even be tempted to cross to the other side of the street. I'll bet, though, that he'd be charged a higher interest rate on a mortgage or car loan, that if he called about an apartment for rent it would suddenly be taken, that his name on a job application would make it less appealing than a less-qualified white candidate, and so forth. Those are the tests for real change in American racial relations.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Southern Plan

Southern Plan
(sung to the tune of
Neil Young's Southern Man)

southern plan
it is time for bed
don't come back
and mess with our heads
southern pain
got to end at last
now is the day
that we break on past
southern plan

i saw Nixon
reach in his sack
cynical game plans
put out by hacks
southern plan
why do you
come on back?
i heard scheming
no bullshit lacking
so wrong, so wrong
so wrong

southern plan
it is time for bed
don't come back
and mess with our heads
southern pain
got to end at last
now is the day
that we break on past
southern plan

hillary
your flair is dying down
i've seen your southern plan
comin' round
dare not trod
upon that shallow ground
i heard scheming
no bullshit lacking
so wrong, so wrong
so wrong

++++

The catalyst for this ditty came from the stayed behind series.

++++

Department of Book Reports 67: Second Life

This week, I'd like to talk about a couple books about Second Life, and also about Second Life itself. SeattleDan and I have been there a little over a year now. The General's Cafe Wellstone is attended by a great group of folks and it's been fun getting to know them. You've been seeing them around the comments lately. If you've been wondering about trying Second Life, I hope this Book Report will encourage you to take the plunge.

There's a lot to figure out, and it's far too easy to second-guess yourself at the beginning, so it's good to have a easy to follow guide. Second Life for Dummies by Intellagirl Tully Robbins and Typewriter Tackleberry Bell (Wiley, $24.99) nicely fits the bill here. It will walk you through the download and start-up, and touch on more advanced topics like building and buying land. It has handy links to websites you can find answers at when you're completely confused. The sections on using photoshop layers to build an image that can be uploaded onto Second Life helped me make the sign for over the doors of my store. There are a few simple steps you'll need to take to fine tune each session, and while they become second nature after a while, it's nice to not have to ask your friends for the fourth time, "How do I turn up the music?"
I recommend this as a good beginner guide. Between watching a few Torley vidtuts and this book you'll be all set to dance the night away at the Lonely Yak in no time.

Ok, the next book up is How to Make Real Money in Second Life: Boost Your Business, Market Your Services, and Sell Your Products in the World's Hottest Virtual Community by Robert Freedman (McGraw Hill, $21.95). Riiiii-iiiight. Anytime you see a title this long you KNOW the book is going to be GREAT!

Ok, to be fair, there are some basic facts that are well presented here. And he does try to tell the audience that if your dream is to buy land, open a store and start making enough Linden dollars to sell back and generate an income; dream on. The truly fun part of this book was recognizing someone I know! Right there on page 75, our buddy Stormbear! Stormbear's RSO hall is used as an example of a business approaching Second Life intelligently and thoughtfully. His Quonset Hut styled dance hall is a place that is offered to deployed soldiers overseas to meet and dance with their spouses back home. And the donations to the venue fund a Books to Soldiers bookdrive.

And, speaking of bookdrives, we've partnered with Hypatia Eames and Zathrus Aferensis on their Loneman School Project. Her students would like to stock a library on the Pine Ridge Reservation and send every child home with a book of their very own this summer. We're offering 30% off new children's titles, stock on hand, while we transition into online only bookselling.

As always, these books are available at Jackson Street Books and fine Independent Bookstores everywhere!

democommie™™™™™©®ç åü has been working on a webspace for the GOPNamblats called "Conservepaedophilia" and was unable to assist with this book report.

Friday, May 09, 2008

That ol' Southern Strategy

It ain't just for Republicans anymore.

Helmet Tips: Finding Mr. Right

On Fridays, the general shares his vast sexual knowledge by offering advice to help you solve your real life sexual problems.

Dear General,

I'm a 45 year old unmarried woman. I'm not single by choice; I want to find a husband, but I don't know where to find one. All the men I meet are either drunks or married or drunk married guys named Vito Fossella.

Sunday is Mothers Day. My 43 year old brother and I usually celebrate by taking mom out to breakfast. I know he's going to make the same old tired joke about me. "Jeez sis," he'll say, "I bet I get married before you do." That's especially hurtful because he's a war blogger.

What can I do to find a husband?

Ida in Idaho Falls


Dear Ida,

I'm afraid your story is far too common. In the old days, back when we respected our traditional heartland values, a woman your age would be spending Mother's day morning scrambling to make breakfast for her ten children ranging in age from three to thirty years old.

Thankfully, it's not too late for you to re-embrace those values and use them to help you find that husband you desire.

Here's what I want you to do. Before you do anything else on Sunday morning, I want you to look into your mirror and say, "Today I am a new woman, a woman who cherishes my traditional heartland values." Then, take a shower and do whatever you need to do to make yourself as pretty as possible--I suggest you wear one of those huge bows in your hair.

OK. Now when you meet your family for breakfast, I want you to sit directly across the table from your brother. Be very nice to him no matter how much he irritates you.
I want to you to look at him exclusively throughout the conversation. If he returns your gaze, avert your eyes while you slowly run your tongue around your lips. Eventually you'll notice that he's involuntarily leaning further and further over the table toward you. At that moment, I want you to kick off one of your shoes, gently place your foot in his crotchal area, look at him, and wink.

I promise you, this method works. It, and a quick trip to the Florida panhandle, are all you'll need to transform yourself into a married woman.
--

Need sex advice from the General? Send him a note at gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

The Slippery Slug of Slutdom

She was a thing most rare:
naked, as God the Slug Maker intended
a lithe and undulating dancer
serene and unspoiled
her body a sacred temple
of the One True Soul
the darker angels distorted her not



Alas, the merchants of filth and divorce aids
did corrupt the guileless lass
and what was sacred fell
debauchery profaned the daughter of God
a harlot revealed, a daughter of Israel
hath turned to whoredom!




This is the path of secularism, Darwinism and fishnet stockingism!

Beware, and turn from the mottled, perfervid (and moist) path of iniquity!

++++

Image of an Innocent and God-fearing Oregon Slug by mjs

Image of a Fallen and Slatternly Slug by Oregon Bea

++++

Of Bonobos and Shakespeare

Mark S. Wrighton, Ph.D.
Chancellor, Washington University in St Louis

Dear Chanceller Wrighton,

Some might characterize your decision to award an honorary doctorate to Phyllis Schlafly as a despicable act of prostitution, a craven defiling of your institution's virtue in exchange for a handful of silver or a favorable mention in the most extreme reaches of our nation's political dialogue. And that may be true to some extent, but I prefer to think of it as an act in balancing, much like that to which we've grown accustomed in our media.

For instance, no self-respecting news operation would do a story on global warming without counterbalancing the scientists with oil and coal industry publicists, nor would they air a report on scientific advances in the field of biology without interviewing a pastor. It's all about balance.

Certainly you've awarded honorary doctorates to authors with suspiciously-hued skin tones in the past. Now, you can provide balance by honoring a demagogue whose chief contribution to society is the promotion of the idea that the literary contributions of women, Asians, Blacks, Hispanics and anyone born in the last century have no value and therefore, no place, in our universities' curricula.

But why stop there? There must be other opportunities for balancing. Surely, there are others who are worthy of the same honor you're bestowing on Mrs. Schlafly. John McCain's religious adviser, Pastor John Hagee, deserves your accolades as well. His theory that homosexual rallies cause hurricanes would provide a nice balance to the stale physics taught in your meteorology classrooms.

And if I might be so bold as to offer up myself for an honorary doctorate, I think my research on the hypnotic nature of the masculine bulge as well as my work exposing the immorality of bonobos, seals, and penguins deserves your notice. It's certainly as great a contribution to society as any made by Mrs. Schlafly.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

What is Victoria's Secret's return policy?

A little Mothers Day gift advice from The Lingerie Post:

Let’s get the Do Not Buy List out of the way so we can move on to the more positive aspects of giving lingerie to our mothers. [...]
  • Do not buy panties, thongs or g-strings. This is too intimate to be purchased by sons.
  • Do not buy crotch-less or peek-a-boo numbers.
  • If a daughter is purchasing the gift, do not buy items that are emblazoned with swear words, sexual innuendoes and vulgar connotations. These items are best left for your girlfriends.
  • Stay away from flimsy and sexy items that are better suited as gifts from a husband or significant other on Valentine’s Day.